Jenna is getting a massage in a quiet, peaceful, spa room when her digestive tract fails her. Jenna enters spa room with peaceful ambient music playing.
KAREN
Just lie facedown right here and we'll get started!
JENNA (int)
Ugh, I've been waiting all week for this. I am ready to relax.
Massage begins. A few seconds in, a stomach bubbling noise is heard over the ambient music.
JENNA (INT)
Guess I had a little too much matcha this morning. No big deal. Juuuust relax.
Massage continues. More stomach bubbling noises are heard over the ambient music.
JENNA (INT)
This is... strange. I mean, it was just a grande matcha latte...
More stomach bubbling noises are heard over the ambient music.
JENNA (INT)
Ok, seriously. What is the deal.
Massage continues with more stomach bubbling noises heard over the ambient music.
JENNA (INT)
I bet the masseuse thinks I have to poop or something.
KAREN (INT)
This poor girl needs to take a big dump. Bless her heart. Should have gone before we started.
JENNA (INT)
This is so embarrassing.
KAREN
How is the pressure?
JENNA
The pressure's perfect. Everything is perfect!
JENNA (INT)
I can't let her think anything's wrong. For all I know, she can't even hear my stomach. Maybe only I can hear it!
KAREN
Okay. If you need to take a break for any reason, just let me know.
JENNA (INT)
Just a common courtesy. There's no way she can hear it.
KAREN (INT)
I can definitely hear it. Her intestines are backed. up. How embarrassing.
Massage continues with stomach bubbling noises over the ambient music. Just as Karen bends over to massage Jenna's lower back, Karen farts loudly and slowly.
Jenna (INT) and KAREN (INT)
OH MY GOD.
KAREN (INT)
What... how... where did that come from?! OK, get it together. It's probably not one of the smelly kinds.
Massage continues with sporadic stomach bubbles over the ambient music.
JENNA (INT)
That smells like shit. That smells so bad.
KAREN (INT)
It's definitely not one of the smelly kinds.
JENNA (INT)
OMG it's lingering. WTF was in her intestines?!
KAREN (INT)
And at least that was just a one time thing. Her stomach keeps...
Another loud fart pops out of Karen over the ambient music.
JENNA (INT) AND KAREN (INT)
You've got. to be kidding me.
More loud farts keep popping out of Karen over the ambient music.
KAREN (INT)
Keep going. These are the kind of farts that don't smell. Just keep going.
JENNA (INT)
I feel like I'm trapped in quick sand made of shit.
More loud farts continue to pop out of Karen with sporadic stomach bubbles from Jenna.
KAREN (INT)
These are definitely the odorless kind. Everything's fine.
JENNA (INT)
I am dying a slow death.
Massage continues with farts and stomach bubbling noises over the ambient music.
KAREN
Okay, can I have you roll onto your back for the end of your massage?
Jenna nods. Just as she turns over, the farts and stomach bubbling stop. Jenna and Karen both shit their pants.
JENNA (INT) AND KAREN (INT)
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
Jenna and Karen awkwardly smile at each other as Jenna rolls over completely.
KAREN (INT)
This is what we're trained for. Remaining calm in high pressure situations. We are finishing this massage, damnit.
JENNA (INT)
I'm getting my relaxing massage, damnit.
(both women have physically adjusted since they have shit in their pants) Karen completes the massage.
KAREN
Okay, you're all set! (hesitantly) How... was everything?
JENNA
(pauses) Everything was great! I just have one suggestion.
KAREN (INT)
Oh god, here we go...
KAREN
Absolutely, what is it?
JENNA
Next time, if you could turn the music down a notch, that'd be great.
BLACKOUT